


Imported

by mescalinen



Series: The Pharmacy [2]
Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: 1 like 1 week of quarantine for Tord, Attempt at Humor, Bad Humor, Bad Jokes, Dirty Jokes, Doctor - Freeform, False Pregnancy, Gen, Humor, Humorous Ending, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jokes, Politics, Pregnancy Scares, Sexual Humor, Tord is literally a living cancerogen, Unplanned Pregnancy, patient, youll see them only with a magnifying glass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-15 03:44:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16925841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mescalinen/pseuds/mescalinen
Summary: Tord returns to the local pharmacy, this time with an outrageous idea that he is pregnant.





	Imported

    A car honks loudly at something, followed by someone’s, probably the car owner’s, yelling and cursing. The matte glass pharmacy door almost shatters as someone flies in. 

    Tamara looks up and sees a man in a police uniform. She is alarmed at first, but then she bites the insides of her cheeks to keep from laughing as she recognizes the man who had come here a month ago, Tord. Memories spin through her mind and she smiles.

    ‘Welcome, sir! How may I—‘

    ‘Pregnancy tests, now,’ Tord pants, then adds, ‘please.’

    Hurriedly, Tamara shuffles through the drawers.

    ‘Ours or imported?’ she asks.

    ‘Either!’ Tord says, then corrects himself, ‘the cheaper one.’

    ‘Ours, then,’ Tamara nods and gets one out, voicing the price.

    Tord slaps the money onto the desk, making Tamara flinch. ‘How do you use it?’ he asks.

    ‘A woman will know how to use it,’ the pharmacist smiles.

    ‘Tell me how to use it,’ Tord repeats himself sternly.

    Tamara looks at him oddly, amused. ‘You urinate on it,’ she says, but Tord doesn’t believe her.

    ‘How dare you make jokes!’ Tord yells, and Tamara jumps.

    Frightened and taken aback, Tamara tries to explain that she had not been joking. ‘I— but that’s how it works—‘

    ‘Sir!’ the door behind Tamara opens, and Tom walks in, angered, ‘why are you—‘ he realizes it’s Tord, and he makes a stern voice as he remembers Tord’s last visit with with an almost-smile, ‘—shouting?’

    ‘I. . .‘ Tord mumbles something, and Tom frowns. ‘Please, tell me how to use this.’

    ‘She told you already,’ Tom narrows his eyes.

    ‘Oh,’ Tord says, and realization flashes in his eyes, ‘is there a restroom here I could use?’

    The two pharmacists glance at each other with wide eyes.

    ‘Sir, I don’t mean to sound rude,’ Tom begins, ‘but a visit to the psychiatrist never hurt anyone, you know.’

    But Tord looks at Tom with frustration and confusion, and maybe fear.

    ‘Please.’

    ‘Ughngshsh,’ Tom babbles something, but with an offering look from Tamara he sighs loudly, giving up and pointing to the restroom door. 

    Tord wastes no time and runs towards it, shutting the door behind him.

    Tom looks at Tamara with a stern and furious look, and she shrugs.

    ‘That guy’s insane,’ Tom says, sighing.

    ‘We’re supposed to help people,’ Tamara argues, placing the money in the cash register and printing a cheque, which she places gently on the counter.

    Tom rubs his temples and Tamara places a small hand on his shoulder.

    ‘Let him realize it himself,’ she says, raising an eyebrow.

    ‘But—‘

    Tom is interrupted as Tord walks in, holding the test in his hand.

    ‘Well?’ Tamara prompts.

    ‘Two stripes, what does that mean?’ Tord asks.

    Tamara places her hand over her mouth and Tom chokes on his saliva.

    ‘That’s impossible! That— that usually means a woman’s pregnant!’ Tamara gasps.

    Tord’s eyes widen. He shakes his head slowly in disbelief and then suddenly hits the counter with his fist and sobs. ‘I thought I was getting fat because all we do is count in dollars for the general and send travellers to hell at work,’ he cries.

    ‘How could this have happened?’ Tom says, frowning at the policeman.

     Tord’s bottom lip starts quivering again and his eyes begin to water.

    ‘How?’ Tom asks, but Tamara nudges him.

    ‘The general— director,’ Tord begins mumbling something, ‘cursing, long wand... punishment... reducing ranks... I—‘ he sucks in a shaky breath.

    ‘Sir,’ Tamara says gently, ‘maybe you should try the imported tests; there’s always some misunderstandings with ours.’

    ‘Oh,’ Tord’s eyes light up, ‘yes, please!’

    Tamara gets out the other pregnancy test and Tord pays, leaving to the restroom again.

    ‘Did you even get what he said?’ Tamara asks.

    Tom’s cheeks flash with color and he grins. ‘I’ll tell you later.’

    Soon enough, Tord comes out of the door, glowing. 

    ‘One stripe!’ he cries with joy, and the pharmacists sigh with relief. ‘Thank you, thank you!’ Tord grabs Tamara and kisses her in happiness, and then Tom.

    The pharmacists both stand, their faces portraying surprise, but not really.

    Tord salutes them and turns to leave.

    ‘Wait, sir,’ Tom begins, an Tord turns to him. ‘Maybe you should buy some condoms to, y’know, be safe?’

    Tord narrows his eyes at Tom but pays, taking the condoms from him.

    He then sees something in Tom’s eyes, and can tell that the pharmacist figured out what he said through that babbling. He leans to Tom very closely. ‘You didn’t hear anything,’ Tord says, and Tom nods quickly. Tord starts leaving.

    Tamara and Tom begin to snicker to each other about the condoms, which Tom had originally meant as a joke.

    Tord turns to them and blows in his police whistle to shut them up, which they do, and he opens the door.

    Tom and Tamara whisper laughs and jokes, and hear the whistle again, followed by the shutting glass door.    

**Author's Note:**

> mpreg scares me


End file.
